Gears on Acid

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Do I even Exist


This was a hard piece to do. This is a mental health piece focusing on what it is like to be inside the thought process of a completely detached person who has someone do something nice and treat them like a human.

When a person is detached, it’s the deepest form of loneliness. That person doesn’t even know if they really exist. They can feel like they aren’t even connected to their own body. People like this can see other people as the equivalent of cardboard cut outs. The person in the mirror isn’t a reflection of them, it’s a different person entirely. It is easy for these people to become invisible in the world, and even to themselves.

When someone notices a person like this, it challenges their perception of reality. It pokes into a bubble and touches their feelings. Without the connection to their feelings, this can be an alien and explosive burst of something this person has no tools in dealing with emotions at all, much less a flood of them. Suddenly the person who gave the compliment, held a door for you, whatever it was that made contact is this beacon of kindness, acceptance, and shelter.

This piece is the mental ramblings of someone who is in shock after kindness. Self-worth, raw self-awareness, embarrassing bouts of emotion, and shameful obsession. This person simultaneously worships that person who was kind to them and writes in pain that the kindness ever happened at all.
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